Unthinkable
by apinknightmare
Summary: He wants so badly to be the man she thinks he is: a hero. He just never realized he'd have to do the unthinkable to become one. **SPOILERS for 2x23 - Oliver's POV after he leaves the mansion**


Oliver doesn't allow himself even a second to think about what he's done until he's five miles away from Queen mansion, following the blurred lines of the interstate that will lead him back into the city. He misses the feel of Felicity against his back, the tightly wound comfort of her arms around his waist, clinging to him for dear life as they did one-twenty on the road that took them to the outskirts of Starling. He wonders if she would've held onto him like that if she knew what he was leading her into.

He considered himself a monster for years; had resigned himself to doing whatever he needed in order to make his way back to Starling City and right his father's wrongs. Then he met Felicity, who saw the good in him, always recognized the potential for more. He wants so badly to be the man she thinks he is: a hero. He just never realized he'd have to do the unthinkable to become one.

How could he have done what he just did? How could he have left her there? He's protected her in every way he could, even killed a man for her, and he just willingly put a bullseye right on her back. His vision gets spotty as the panic builds up around him into a real, tangible thing, nearly pushing him off of his bike with its icy black fingers.

He imagines her now, so small, swallowed up by the emptiness of the mansion. Knowing Slade's watching her, waiting for him to come. Wondering if these are the last minutes of her life. Standing resolute in her mission, and tamping down her fear. Holding the fate of the city in her capable hands, understanding that he can't do this without her. Thinking that he lied when he told her he loved her.

He didn't mean to say it; that wasn't part of his plan. Walk in the mansion, position them at a good angle for the cameras to pick up their interaction, tell Felicity Slade had taken the wrong woman, slip her the cure. That was all he needed to do. Then she looked up at him with those brilliant blue eyes, and he finally allowed himself think about all the ways this could go wrong. How he might never hear her trip over an innuendo or put him in his place again, and the words just kind of slipped out of him, as easy as breathing. Surprised him, even. Because he does love Felicity, in the only way that he's capable of loving another person: one that's a little bit broken, and will never be good enough.

Bright lights slice through the black night, headed in the opposite direction. A white van, and Oliver knows its destination. A blanket of dread and regret wraps around him, making it difficult for him to breathe. He white-knuckles the handlebars as the bike skids to a stop on the side of the road, gravel plinking against the spokes of the Ducati's wheels.

If he goes full throttle, he can beat Slade's men back to the mansion, have Felicity out and in his arms before their van even turns down the driveway. He smiles at the thought, realizing he'd probably have to drag her kicking and screaming out of the house. That strong, brave woman who walked into a mob casino to save his stepfather, and who offered herself up as bait for a serial killer on the prowl for new victims. She'd have volunteered herself for this if she'd thought of it first.

Besides, after that confession, Felicity won't be safe from Slade, no matter where Oliver takes her. He put a target on her back the minute he told her he loved her. This is why the two of them cannot be together, and why he can never allow himself to say it again.

Oliver takes a deep breath as he watches the tail lights of the van disappear into the night, pushes against the fear that's rising in his belly, and steers his bike back onto the highway. As the burning skyline of his beloved city comes into view, he remembers the clean smell of Felicity's hair as it brushed against his face when she hugged him only hours ago. He wishes he had held onto her a little longer, a little tighter. He reminds himself that regret is always going to be one of the threads that holds him together.

But he can't think of that now, he has a city to save. He can do it with her help.

After all, Felicity believes in him.

And he believes in her.


End file.
